On Mental Health
The Masks We Wear:
The older I get, the more I realize just how important mental health truly is. After more than two decades of adult life and all that it brings, I've reached the point of accepting myself for who I am and wanting to heal from pain I buried long ago. Personally, I have to continually do the work of rewiring my brain and the limiting beliefs I've allowed myself to carry all my life. Some (or possibly most) were rooted in trauma, but others were simply a lack of self-confidence or not trusting myself.
My modus operandi for a long time was to push emotion away and bury it beneath a tough exterior. I thought I was strong enough to handle my pain, trauma, and stress without needing to experience them fully. I didn't have time, in my mind, to slow down and deal with those things... and if I'm being honest, I was afraid that doing so would make me less manly.
What a terribly shallow and weak sense of masculinity... of humanity.
I had built up an image in my mind of an ideal man. He was tougher than nails, chiseled like a Greek god, wealthy, bold, and stone cold in the face of adversity. In that image, there's no room for "sissy stuff" like talking about your emotions. I told myself a man's job is to work hard and provide for his family, to be strong enough to protect them, and to raise his children to be ready to do the same - not to be an emotional softie.
For a long time, that mindset served me well. It got me through some very difficult times and I do think my job as a husband and father is to provide, protect, and lead my family well. But it also led me to make some stupid mistakes, which further led to my lack of confidence and trust in who I am. Those things make it terribly difficult to accept compliments, but far too easy to allow criticism to crush my soul.
Healing is a journey:
It's only after several years of trying to reverse this mindset and practice self-acceptance and self-love that I've been given eyes to begin to see. Studying stoic philosophy, the Bible, and many books on mental health has allowed me to learn that my masks were fragile at best.It took me a long time to admit that I deal with chronic anxiety. I didn't want to accept that I am broken and in need of healing, but I've learned you cannot begin the journey of healing unless you first acknowledge the need to do so.
I don't know where you are today or what baggage you're carrying, but I hope you realize you are worthy of love and deserving of self-care and mental health prioritization. You don't have to do it alone, as a matter of a fact, you really need to find someone you trust to share the journey with - but you can start right where you are.
Giving your mental health priority will likely be the most impactful investment you ever make. It's not a one time massive deposit, but rather a lifetime of small daily deposits that lead to a peaceful and joyful life. We all have days on this journey where we do a great job of this and other days where we feel like a complete failure. That's okay. It's a part of the process. All we can do is hope that one day our future selves wake up and realize how much different we are because of the work we've put in.
You are worthy of love. You are not alone. You deserve healing and a life full of peace.